in a funk over four days of fuckery five years ago

I always look forward to the freshness of a new year. I feel so excited, so hopeful. My mind tricks me into forgetting what happened from January 3rd to January 6th five years ago.

My body does not forget.

I woke up in a panic in the middle of the night last night (well, 4:00 am which is my body’s favorite time to wake up in a panic). Heart pounding, a cold feeling in my chest, thoughts of evil presidents and billionaires taking over the world while people suffer.

And then I remembered that every year at this time, even if things are going well in my life and I feel like I’m healing and on my way to wholeness, these four days stick with me.

January 3, 2021: the first wedding anniversary after my husband left (he left on 9/7/20).

January 4, 2021: the day I found out that he had been cheating for four years before he left. He confessed to our oldest daughter, not me.

January 5, 2021: my youngest daughter’s birthday. Trying to hold myself together and make her day happy was so painful. She deserves so much better than a selfish dad who ruins everything.

January 6, 2021: Insurrection Day.

I took deep breaths, told myself that everything will be okay, that I would feel better when the sun came up (I did).

And then my kitty climbed into my bed and curled up on my chest, right over my heart, like she knew. She’s only five pounds and it was like the perfect little weighted blanket right where I needed it.

Even with the anxiety and sadness, I feel so lucky. A sweet kitty in my bed instead of a shitty husband. Beautiful, amazing children. A home, food, safety, good health. Making a living doing what I love. Sharing my words and art with the world (and even getting paid for it sometimes). Friends, support, encouragement.

My heart aches for those who aren’t safe, fed, sheltered, healthy, loved. How do they survive? And how are they/we going to make it in a world run by evil men?

I still feel hopeful. I can’t imagine what would happen if I lost hope.

So much love to all of you. I hope you’re doing okay.