on mirroring and data mining
(the covert narcissist playbook)
Between jobs that pay the bills and trying to write the most challenging book of my life, I’ve pushed Substack to the back burner. But I miss it.
So let me share some things I’m discovering as I work on a memoir of my 22-year marriage to someone who checks every box on the Characteristics of a Covert/Parasitic Narcissist List.
Right now I’m reading letters we wrote to each other in 1996-1997 when we were dating while also re-reading The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist.
My ex was 19 when we started dating (I was 20), and I’m FLOORED that he was exhibiting all these textbook narcissist traits EVEN THEN. Like, how does that happen? How do they all INTUITIVELY KNOW THE PLAYBOOK?
So just now I googled: “How does a 19-year-old already know the narcissist playbook?”
I actually found some super helpful info immediately (will be diving into it more) but just wanted to share one thing today:
Narcissists are skilled at observing their victims’ vulnerabilities, fears, and desires. They then mirror these traits back to create instant intimacy, only to later use that information against that person.
I’m reading our letters in order. Just finished the June to December 1996 binder and had already added a ton of sticky notes about him “mirroring” me. I’d say things like “I love how we see things exactly the same way!” when really it was me seeing something a certain way and him parroting my words back to me. Over and over and over again. Primarily, all my talk about God.
Then, on January 9, 1997, I mailed him a list of #1-54 of 100 reasons I love him (#55-100 coming soon—no, he never made a list for me). When I got to #22 I gasped. GASPED.
#22: “I love how you remember things I’ve said word-for-word and use them against me later.”
Marla Rachelle Yoder, why in HELL is this something YOU LOVE ABOUT YOUR BOYFRIEND??? I’m going to need a minute. I can’t wrap my mind around this. WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK?
(if you’d like to become a paid subscriber, you’ll be directly helping me get this book written and out in the world—thank you!)
oh man. that's rough! and so proud of you for continuing this project.
did he at least buy you thoughtful gifts based on things you said? (i know the answer) 🤨
You are so brave to undergo this project. And extra brave to share along the way.
Having lived through similar at the same age... I can't help but wonder if #22 meant 1) you really did love how much he paid attention to your words and 2) "use them against me later" may have referred to him steering you in the direction he wanted you to go, and you seeing that as him "leading" in a way we were indoctrinated to think was supposed to happen. Perhaps you were confidently on path A; he wanted you on path B and would use your words to enforce it. The cult upbringing primed you (or rather us - I lived this too) to just accept what was happening and at least he knew you so well and could even use words that mattered to you as the seeming current to guide you where he wanted you to be..... I am not sure if this is making sense. Appreciating your ability to find clear words for complex things. (And this is just a hypothesis - I could be totally wrong!)