once upon a time I invented a word

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Once upon a time I wrote a book called From Blushing Bride to Wedded Wife. And a real publisher published it. And it went out of print embarrassingly soon after it was released. And I bought 2000+ “remainder” copies of it for $1/book.

Someone at the publishing house wrote the subtitle: “The Girlfriend’s Guide to the First Year of Marriage.” The cover was submitted to Amazon, and the publisher immediately received a letter from author Vicki Iovine’s attorney. Apparently, Vicki had copyrighted the phrase “The Girlfriend’s Guide” (as in The Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy) and I would NOT be using it for my book. Unless I wanted to be sued. (I did not want to be sued.)

Author Jen Hatmaker received a similar letter around that same time. Oops.

All that to say:

I invented the word WHOLEFARTED.

As far as I can tell, no one anywhere has ever used it in a book, in a blog, on a website, anywhere. Not Vicki Iovine. Not Jen Hatmaker. Not Benjamin Franklin (who did write an essay entitled “Fart Proudly.”).

It popped into my head one day in November 2017. I typed it in the Amazon search bar. And got this glorious message:

Your search for “wholefarted” did not match any products. Try something like:

—Using more general terms.

—Checking your spelling.

No to more general terms. And you’re looking at the 1988 Champaign County (Ohio) Spelling Bee Champion, so.

I tried it on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter. Nothing. And then the granddaddy of them all: I Googled it. (Did you mean who farted?)

I couldn’t believe my good luck. I immediately bought wholefarted.com, registered @wholefarted on Instagram, and started a Facebook community called wholefarted.

When I Googled “wholefarted” a month later, a whole bunch of ME came up. Marla Taviano this, that, and whatever.

And #WholeFart on Twitter. Uh oh. Who is this??

False alarm. It was two different people who, in 2015, tweeted photographs of food items by a company called Whole Earth. The products are placed in such a way in the box that the bottom of the E and the h in Earth aren’t visible. It looks like Whole Fart.

Apparently, they took it no further than one little tweet and missed out on an amazing opportunity to invent a new word.

Like me a few years ago. My youngest daughter, Nina, was 12 at the time and having a very hard time falling asleep at night. Her brain wouldn’t shut off. She couldn’t stop thinking.

“You should start an Instagram account,” I told her, in a burst of inspiration. “You could call it InsomNINA.” I was so tickled with myself I jumped up and down and clapped. “Your tagline? ‘Things That Keep Me Up at Night.’”

BRILLIANT.

I kissed her good night and immediately went to my bedroom, grabbed my phone, and searched for @insomnina on Instagram.

Taken. Boo.

Why am I telling you this? Well, first of all, because I’m too lazy (and maybe too poor) to trademark/copyright wholefarted, so this page can serve as my proof that I came up with it first.

Second, I want you to know that maybe there is something you will think of someday that NO ONE ELSE has ever thought of.

But you might not. And that’s okay.

Because, aside from some random words and ideas (okay, and mind-blowing technology), there is nothing new under the sun. Not really. But whatever you choose to do, YOU will put your own spin on it, and that’s good enough.

It’s more than good enough.

It’s awesome.

*

HAVE YOU EVER INVENTED SOMETHING??

(p.s. This is an excerpt from my book, what makes you FART? Let me know if you’d like to buy a signed copy!)

(Also: anyone in the US who becomes a paid subscriber TODAY? I’ll send you a FREE copy.)

(Also: I trademarked wholefarted.)