so about heated rivalry...

(hoo boy)

On July 22 (eight days ago), I posted the following (words in italics) on IG. I’m no stranger to posting raw, honest stuff, but this one felt extra vulnerable.

I’m late to Heated Rivalry but I’m making up for lost time. I love it so much. Not for the sex (although that’s obviously hot) but for the emotional connection between Shane and Ilya. I can’t get enough. (I know, me and a billion other people.)

Connor Storrie on SNL (about Heated Rivalry): “it’s taught a lot of straight women that their sexuality is actually gay guy.”

Where’s the lie?

A few of the crushes I’ve had over the years since I was a young girl in the 80s:

[photos of Mike Brady/Robert Reed, Gilbert Blythe/Jonathan Crombie, Greg Louganis, Dan Levy]

Aside from my emotional crushes on gay guys, here’s the part I can’t quite articulate but I’ll give it my best shot.

I don’t want either of those guys (Hollander and Rozanov) for my own. I’m over twice their age, for one thing lol.

And I don’t even want my own age-appropriate Shane or Ilya.

I just want the warm feeling I get in my belly when they get sweet stolen moments together and when they finally get to have and love each other at long last.

It’s not arousal really. It’s fluttering butterflies and full-body tingles. And it’s my favorite feeling in the world.

I don’t actually believe I could find this feeling with another person. I mean, maybe, but it wouldn’t last.

And at least for right now, I don’t want the part that comes after the tingle fades (been there, did that for 20+ years).

I’d rather just watch a show over and over and feel that warmth in my belly for as long as I want, then close my laptop and go make art by myself.

Right now there are lots of things in my actual real life that give me similar warm fluttery feelings in my belly.

Getting a hilarious idea in the shower.

Making the perfect piece of art.

When someone does something nice for me.

When people laugh (or cry) over something I made.

When people share my poems.

When people tell me their stories and how my art brought up deep feelings for them.

[art piece with a poem called unavailable: I’m in a romantic relationship with my art right now.]

My intense longing? Is to make a living from my art (words, books, poem art) so I can do nothing but that all day long.

Then climb into my bed at night with my cat and a bowl of snacks and watch Heated Rivalry until I’m cozy and sleepy enough to conk out as soon as my head hits the pillow.

*
Two days later, on Friday night at 7:30pm, I posted this:

SHANE &
ILYA &
FROG &
TOAD

at the cottage

(a G-rated art series
by Marla Taviano)

I offered a piece of art in exchange for a $5 donation to my Art Supplies Fund. You know, like I’ve been doing for three years, no biggie. (Click here to see the art. I don’t have time to post it here.)

After posting it, I put my phone down and watched a show with two of my kids. When I checked my phone again, two people had bought art. Yay!

And then. Well, I don’t know what happened. Long story short, I got 700 orders in 24 hours and had to turn the rest of the people away.

The post has almost 600k views.

And I’ve been making/packaging art for 14 hours a day for 5 days straight. I’m about 20% of the way there.

It’s a lot to process (the emotions, not the art). I’m happy, I’m stressed, I’m anxious, I’m grateful, I’m in awe. More thoughts when I get a minute.

ANYWAY. Thanks for reading, as always. If you’re new here, introduce yourself! If you’re not new, say hi anyway. Love y’all.