algorithms, whining, and entitlement

(on wanting more attention than we’re willing to give)

Let me say right off the bat that I’m not up here on a pedestal sharing my hard-won wisdom and selflessness with the rest of you jokers who just don’t get it.

This post is for me as much as anyone. (I’m the joker, it’s me)

It’s also not something that I’ve gotten all figured out. It’s not a theory or philosophy that I’ve alchemized and crystallized so much as something I’m just spewing off the top of my head because it’s become a weight on my chest.

Why aren’t people reading my stuff?
Why aren’t people seeing my posts?
How do I have 14k Instagram followers and not even 14 likes on this post?
Why is my content being suppressed?
Why is everything so fucking unfair?

These are things I’ve been thinking a lot lately.

Now, listen. I’m not saying there’s no suppression. I’m not saying there aren’t shitty algorithms that are cheating us. I’m not saying we don’t *deserve* way more engagement than we’re getting. (I’m also not saying we do.)

But I want us to think about something.

If I get 14 likes on a post, that’s 14 people giving me attention. Have I given 14 people attention today? Specifically, have I given attention to any of the 14 people who just gave some to me?

Believe me, I WANT ATTENTION. And not just because it’s fun to get. But because I write books and I want people to buy them so I can have money to pay my bills and time to write more books.

I don’t GET nearly enough attention to sell enough books to support myself.

But I’m GIVING even less.

And I don’t really feel comfortable being one of the people whining about not getting enough attention when I’m not giving very much of it to others.

There are a whole whole whole lot of us competing for the eyeballs (and Venmo payments) of a finite number of people. And what makes me so special that people should come pay attention to me but I don’t have to pay attention to them?

This month I’ve been making a conscious effort to GIVE ATTENTION to others online. It’s such a great feeling. And it also takes a huge chunk of time. I’m falling behind on everything else I need to do.

I don’t have any answers. I just don’t want everything to be transactional. And I reeeeally don't want to be someone who demands attention but I’m too important (or busy) to reciprocate. I don’t want to be selfish and whiny and entitled.

I also want people to see my art and buy my books.

I want more for all of us, not just me.

And I don’t know what that looks like or how to make it happen, but I want to try.

THOUGHTS??