aspirations forgiving my ex and his family is a literal line item on my bucket list not quiiite there yet but writing poems is super healing and I can feel my heart softening just a bit
Well said, Corrie. For me, forgiveness is not the same as reconciling, (which is the piece so often missing from Christian platitudes about forgiveness). I am working at forgiving, and then forgiving again the next time I remember the trauma, which seems like it might be something I do indefinitely. Forgiveness acknowledges the harm done, doesn't sweep it under a rug (which was what it seems like church taught me to do), and gives me freedom to carry on anyway.
I love that you are merciful toward yourself and your journey. You have all the time in the world! Sluff off the pressure to even "accomplish" this before you die. Forgiveness will grow in its own time and way as you walk in joyful love day by day.
Well, my friend, I guess you're writing about forgiveness, even if you're not feeling it. I'm looking at your poem 'I forgive you' which ends with the line "God is love and God’s love feels like love" - I'm assuming that's about your ex. And that's such a great line, I will have to turn this into a song! Then you can listen to the song when you want to remind yourself to practice forgiveness. ;)
Ok, I wondered about that because it comes right before "this is the part where" Gabe leaves. But the fact that you don't specify who you're forgiving obviously makes it more universal. And now that I know it's about your sister, I'm determined to adapt it using all your words like I did with 'cut off'.
Definitely a process for sure. Knowing that the brokenness is real in all has helped. Do I want to be friends again? No. Do I understand that some can and are???? Not yet. Can I be a decent human to others? So far but they don’t know my inner most thoughts . The struggle is such a real thing. Is it better after 12 years…. Yes. Keep after it!❤️
I think it’s about slowly releasing the hold their harm has on you. Ultimately, it’s not about them or their feelings. It’s about freeing your own heart from the pain they caused. Being free to walk in joy and health without a care for what they are thinking or doing.
It’s hard to forgive when new wounds keep happening while I’m working to heal and forgive the older wounds. What I’ve needed is taking as much space as possible from the relationship/person (i.e. blocking phone number, telling I cannot see or communicate for a time that is undermined because I don’t know how long it will take to heal these wounds) and working through what has been omitted from the relationship. It’s important for me in relationships to be understood and that is often the first I thing I gave when looking at what’s been omitted in the relationship. I feel like the other person isn’t understanding the depth of pain that has been caused and that they are not understanding me if they don’t see a need to be sorry. I have to really look at that need and release the debt of needing to be understood by that person. Also looking at where I might not understand them comes up usually. Then I look to how God and other people meet that need; To fill that void of not being understood. Releasing what is omitted from this specific relationship is freeing, like cutting a rope that has tied us together. Taking the space I need to process, see the wounds, releasing the debt and filling with truth and love from others has been a hard but necessary process. The taking space can seem harsh, and I’ve had guilt, but the work and freedom to be able to communicate (or not communicating at all when the work points to the relationship being too toxic to continue in any capacity) after the releasing has made the awkward/harsh worth it. This process is messy and brings up other wounds too. It takes time and is so wavy. I’ve had to revisit the process when new wounds happen, but I’m stronger and the wounds aren’t fresh and gapping open anymore, so I can apply ointment versus needing stitches or more.
I'd like to think that even in situations where it doesn't seem like they feel remorse, they really are feeling guilty down deep. Truly forgiving them doesn't negate that guilt. He has to live with that. You still get to enjoy your beautiful girls and he doesn't. He will regret that someday, I promise. You still win ❤
For me, it looks like
accepting the wounds they left
without wishing them harm
and having moments of accepting
their own woundedness
that showed up in their worst self
It looks like being free from bitterness
and free to be me
Not indifference, exactly
Just freedom
💗💗💗
Well said, Corrie. For me, forgiveness is not the same as reconciling, (which is the piece so often missing from Christian platitudes about forgiveness). I am working at forgiving, and then forgiving again the next time I remember the trauma, which seems like it might be something I do indefinitely. Forgiveness acknowledges the harm done, doesn't sweep it under a rug (which was what it seems like church taught me to do), and gives me freedom to carry on anyway.
I love that you are merciful toward yourself and your journey. You have all the time in the world! Sluff off the pressure to even "accomplish" this before you die. Forgiveness will grow in its own time and way as you walk in joyful love day by day.
I love this, Deb. Thank you. ❤️
Well, my friend, I guess you're writing about forgiveness, even if you're not feeling it. I'm looking at your poem 'I forgive you' which ends with the line "God is love and God’s love feels like love" - I'm assuming that's about your ex. And that's such a great line, I will have to turn this into a song! Then you can listen to the song when you want to remind yourself to practice forgiveness. ;)
That poem isn’t about my ex. It’s about my sister. 💗
Ok, I wondered about that because it comes right before "this is the part where" Gabe leaves. But the fact that you don't specify who you're forgiving obviously makes it more universal. And now that I know it's about your sister, I'm determined to adapt it using all your words like I did with 'cut off'.
This is something I’m still trying to figure out, too, without an evangelical lens. Although I never fully understood it with that lens, either.
💜
This is so true - its so hard to forgive when they aren't even sorry for the hurt and pain their actions cause. 💔
yeah 😔
Definitely a process for sure. Knowing that the brokenness is real in all has helped. Do I want to be friends again? No. Do I understand that some can and are???? Not yet. Can I be a decent human to others? So far but they don’t know my inner most thoughts . The struggle is such a real thing. Is it better after 12 years…. Yes. Keep after it!❤️
Thanks for sharing, Laura. ❤️
I think it’s about slowly releasing the hold their harm has on you. Ultimately, it’s not about them or their feelings. It’s about freeing your own heart from the pain they caused. Being free to walk in joy and health without a care for what they are thinking or doing.
It’s hard to forgive when new wounds keep happening while I’m working to heal and forgive the older wounds. What I’ve needed is taking as much space as possible from the relationship/person (i.e. blocking phone number, telling I cannot see or communicate for a time that is undermined because I don’t know how long it will take to heal these wounds) and working through what has been omitted from the relationship. It’s important for me in relationships to be understood and that is often the first I thing I gave when looking at what’s been omitted in the relationship. I feel like the other person isn’t understanding the depth of pain that has been caused and that they are not understanding me if they don’t see a need to be sorry. I have to really look at that need and release the debt of needing to be understood by that person. Also looking at where I might not understand them comes up usually. Then I look to how God and other people meet that need; To fill that void of not being understood. Releasing what is omitted from this specific relationship is freeing, like cutting a rope that has tied us together. Taking the space I need to process, see the wounds, releasing the debt and filling with truth and love from others has been a hard but necessary process. The taking space can seem harsh, and I’ve had guilt, but the work and freedom to be able to communicate (or not communicating at all when the work points to the relationship being too toxic to continue in any capacity) after the releasing has made the awkward/harsh worth it. This process is messy and brings up other wounds too. It takes time and is so wavy. I’ve had to revisit the process when new wounds happen, but I’m stronger and the wounds aren’t fresh and gapping open anymore, so I can apply ointment versus needing stitches or more.
I'd like to think that even in situations where it doesn't seem like they feel remorse, they really are feeling guilty down deep. Truly forgiving them doesn't negate that guilt. He has to live with that. You still get to enjoy your beautiful girls and he doesn't. He will regret that someday, I promise. You still win ❤