both/and
both/and he's a jerk and you're better off without him I appreciate the sentiment and know you say it in love but it also minimizes my pain and sorrow and anguish I'm better off without evangelical christianity too but the long brutal journey to get to the other side was full of loss and grief and heartbreak
*
It’s coming up on 2.5 years since my ex left unexpectedly. I haven’t posted many poems about divorce/cheating lately (don’t worry—a whole book is coming) because it’s kind of a downer, and I’ve moved on in so many ways.
But yesterday I did an IG live with my friend, Marcie, creator of Black Coffee with White Friends and Black Eyed Stories, and I didn’t mean for this to happen but I ended up sharing more about my marriage, divorce, and adultery than I think I ever have. (watch the replay here)
I’m walking with a few friends through divorce right now, and I’m so grateful to be able to share with them the hope and happiness and freedom that eventually comes.
There’s a whole section in jaded about infidelity. I don’t love that it’s a part of my story, but I love who I’m becoming after having gone through it.
Anybody else go through something really hard that made you better?
(I also want to acknowledge that not all hard things have a redemptive arc—for example, losing a child)
Marla, this was powerful. I really appreciated how this poem compares the grief process to leaving evangelicalism to the grief process of a marriage ending---holding space for the feelings of heartbreak at the good things that were lost and for the feelings of saying goodbye to the toxic parts of a previous situation. I've been struck by how many break-up songs speak to me on this whole new level since my deconstruction: I've been singing through Olivia Rodrigo's Sour and Taylor Swift's Reputation throughout the process of stepping away from evangelicalism. Peace on the both/and grief journey!