Dear One Who Desperately Wanted a Sacred Marriage

So I’ve been writing letters to my 22-year-old newly-evangelically married self, and it’s not for the faint of heart. It has also been a lot of fun. Read more about it here:

I’m sharing some of the more scandalous (lol but yeah) letters with my paid subscribers but want to share some here too. Let’s do this.

Dear One Who Desperately Wanted a Sacred Marriage,

Hi, Marla. It’s me (you) again, writing to you from the year 2025. (I know, it sounds like something out of a Back to the Future movie, right? Whew!)

So let’s talk about Sacred Marriage. I know it’s too late, but god, I wish I could tell you not to read this trash book. Not only will you read it multiple times, you will also quote it in books you write. And you’ll “preach” (if women were allowed to preach lol) it to groups of unhappy, beat-down Christian women to help them be better wives. Ugh. I hate this for you (and for all those women).

I’m going to try not to bash the author of the book. He could be a really great guy for all I know, but his book will fuck you up. I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt here and assume he had pure(ish) motives when he wrote his bestselling book with the tagline: What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy? (I also hope he no longer subscribes to this toxic foolishness.)

He says that “the point of marriage isn’t your happiness” and all I can think is: what a great way to keep women trapped in unhappy marriages—by making them think it’s holy.

And you, dear, will be super hot for holiness. Every time your deadbeat husband does something shitty, you will thank your lucky stars and God above for giving you yet another chance to become holier and holier (and holier).

You are going to be so fucking holy by the end of this, sweet girl. (also: apologies for the “fuck,” “shitty,” and “fucking” I’ve already used in this letter—one day you will love those words, but today is not that day)

You are going to cling to this What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy? question like a lifeline so many times when your marriage feels impossibly hard. “So what if my marriage isn’t happy?” you will say to yourself. “So what if my husband doesn’t seem to care about my needs and wants? So what if I’m constantly walking on eggshells and making myself small and bending over backward and folding myself in half, fourths, eighths, so I don’t ruffle his feathers or make waves or bruise his ego or heaven forbid, wear the pants or take the reins when they are rightfully his as the God-ordained spiritual head of our home? So what? It’s fine. Everything is fine. EVERYTHING IS FIIIIINE.”

I know you believe that your marriage isn’t about you or your happiness and fulfillment. I know you believe that it’s about becoming more holy, more Christlike, laying down your life and all possible joy for the sake of the “kingdom.”

But sweet girl, hear me out. Your marriage should ABSOLUTELY be about your happiness and fulfillment. And your partner’s too, of course, but IT SHOULD BE MUTUAL. Otherwise why bother? You want to live through hell on earth just to maybe, hopefully get crowns in heaven someday??

By the way, you’re divorced now and have no plans to wed again, but if you do (AND YOU PROBABLY WILL NOT), it will only be if the happiness and fulfillment is inevitable and irresistible.

Fuck Sacred Marriage. You buy copies at Goodwill these days for $1, tear off the covers, and glue the poem you wrote about the book to make art. I had plans to reread it last week as a refresher before I wrote this letter to you, but holy shit, I skimmed a few pages and couldn’t do it. It was even worse than I remembered.

Sincerely,
I’ll Pass On the Holiness Thanks

Anybody else read this book? Thoughts?