deprogramming is a bitch that’s the poem * A friend called me in crisis last night. Something really hard had happened and all she could think was, “Is this God punishing me for deconstructing my faith?”
Jan 19, 2023·edited Jan 19, 2023Liked by Marla Taviano
I experience this feeling every time something 'goes wrong'.. but I'm gradually coming to the place where I can honor my little-self's fear, but also reassure them that it's actually ok and the bad-magic from stepping outside the umbrella isn't real. Difficult things happen and it's just life. It helps to remember they happened back then too.. the umbrella never us actually protected from the 'rain'.
I get this feeling sometimes. A friend of mine experiences this frequently and acutely and it causes huge mental distress, and every time I can't help thinking "your God is an arsehole if he's going to punish you like this"
And then I remember that was my God too and I wonder why it took me so damn long to wake up to the toxic crap that is a "loving God" sending people to hell and punishing them for not believing because there are so many reasons not to 🤷🏻♀️
I don’t really want that right now either. It’s hard for those few really close and real relationships that just aren’t the same now. I resonate so deeply with your poem “I feel you” in ‘Unbeleive’. Those relationships didn’t survive my authenticity. I wouldn’t go back and I won’t change to be back in the relationships, but I grieve them. I grieve what I thought they were. I grieve the genuine moments of honesty that now seem lost.
Things that have been hard in the deconstruction: The judgement that I feel and perceive. The lack of questions asked of me from people I thought I had strong relationships with. Realizing the things I fell in line with were not necessary, but constructed and now that I’ve listened to my feelings and left the constructs those relationships I built have crumbled too.
Tithing was really hard for me to deprogram for similar reasons. Basically, tithing was taught as protection. So if you don’t tithe, you won’t be provided for or bad things will happen that will make you broke.
It's hard for me to deprogramming perfection and sometimes certainty. Like, I want to deprogram the "right" way and reprogram to the "right" thing. But girl, that's the whole point. There isn't this magical, singular, key-to-the-universe way of being. There just isn't. I think there are recurring themes that we can pay attention to, but there isn't a singular, precise, perfect "way to be/believe".
I realised just yesterday that the belief I need to forgive abusers is still so tangled up in my head. So much toxic teaching on it and it’s always the victim who has to forgive and never the abuser that needs to repent and make amends. I feel like I’ll be wrestling this one forever
I couldn’t agree more. I was just thinking on MLK Jr day that toxic authority systems and beliefs I grew up with still tend to overlay how I see Black leaders and friends-like if I don’t do XYZ then I’m a terrible ally/anti-racist/justice-seeker. Basically, I must obey them or I’ve failed, period. White evangelicalism excels at getting us to focus on the individual while stripping away the dignity of humanity. I fucking hate it!
I experience this feeling every time something 'goes wrong'.. but I'm gradually coming to the place where I can honor my little-self's fear, but also reassure them that it's actually ok and the bad-magic from stepping outside the umbrella isn't real. Difficult things happen and it's just life. It helps to remember they happened back then too.. the umbrella never us actually protected from the 'rain'.
I get this feeling sometimes. A friend of mine experiences this frequently and acutely and it causes huge mental distress, and every time I can't help thinking "your God is an arsehole if he's going to punish you like this"
And then I remember that was my God too and I wonder why it took me so damn long to wake up to the toxic crap that is a "loving God" sending people to hell and punishing them for not believing because there are so many reasons not to 🤷🏻♀️
I don’t really want that right now either. It’s hard for those few really close and real relationships that just aren’t the same now. I resonate so deeply with your poem “I feel you” in ‘Unbeleive’. Those relationships didn’t survive my authenticity. I wouldn’t go back and I won’t change to be back in the relationships, but I grieve them. I grieve what I thought they were. I grieve the genuine moments of honesty that now seem lost.
Things that have been hard in the deconstruction: The judgement that I feel and perceive. The lack of questions asked of me from people I thought I had strong relationships with. Realizing the things I fell in line with were not necessary, but constructed and now that I’ve listened to my feelings and left the constructs those relationships I built have crumbled too.
Tithing was really hard for me to deprogram for similar reasons. Basically, tithing was taught as protection. So if you don’t tithe, you won’t be provided for or bad things will happen that will make you broke.
It's hard for me to deprogramming perfection and sometimes certainty. Like, I want to deprogram the "right" way and reprogram to the "right" thing. But girl, that's the whole point. There isn't this magical, singular, key-to-the-universe way of being. There just isn't. I think there are recurring themes that we can pay attention to, but there isn't a singular, precise, perfect "way to be/believe".
I realised just yesterday that the belief I need to forgive abusers is still so tangled up in my head. So much toxic teaching on it and it’s always the victim who has to forgive and never the abuser that needs to repent and make amends. I feel like I’ll be wrestling this one forever
The thing I can't deprogram is "What if they're right?"
I couldn’t agree more. I was just thinking on MLK Jr day that toxic authority systems and beliefs I grew up with still tend to overlay how I see Black leaders and friends-like if I don’t do XYZ then I’m a terrible ally/anti-racist/justice-seeker. Basically, I must obey them or I’ve failed, period. White evangelicalism excels at getting us to focus on the individual while stripping away the dignity of humanity. I fucking hate it!