the last day you lived here as the six of us sat there on those two couches right after you dropped the divorce bomb one of our daughters asked you the question I couldn’t seem to make my lips form
I think sometimes we are morbidly fascinated by suffering as long as we are not implicated in it—it’s easier to focus our attention on other people’s problems than to think about the ones we could do something about, whether in our own lives or in our society or the world. Anecdotally, I’ve noticed the response to that kind of suffering is willful ignorance. We save our attention (maybe it’s voyeurism) for problems that don’t belong to us because they demand nothing from us.
I was just thinking about this as I waited for your page to load. How I seem to click your substack links that promise to talk about the rough stuff.
I think I do tend to gravitate towards the painful… I also tend to write more about the painful than the life giving. Lol. It can make me feel like I’m 15 again with all the angst that comes with those teen years.
I think in part, humans want to hear the tea. We are nosey. I am nosey.
But I think it’s a community thing too. I feel validated when I hear women talk about being oppressed or survivors give their story about their spiritual/physical/sexual abuse. I want to support and cheer. I want to love and be loved on. To recognize and be recognized.
Sometimes for me its educational. There are so many life experiences I'll never have but I want to hear from those who are so I can hopefully care/engage with them better. I do think some people, myself included are just nosy sometimes. As always thank you for sharing your gifts
Oof. I agree that some of that engagement is definitely that people do sometimes get voyeuristic about the suffering of other people, and I think some of that engagement comes from people who have experienced something similar.
I almost skipped reading today because it was about divorce, but I'm not fully sure yet why. Too close to my trauma history and voyeurism feel like they describe my top feelings best. I'm glad I read to see your honest question and am curious about how others feel.
I think a lot of people (myself included) might "like" it as a show of care and solidarity! A little bit like "clicking like is better than saying nothing at all." Posts get more engagement when emotions are activated, and this kind of post hits both sympathy and outrage buttons.
I think mostly, it’s that people can feel that pain! Not because they like to relish other people’s pain, but that they can relate to pain, because they have pain of their own!
There is some truth in that. I think it's partly about it being a relatable human story - divorce is not uncommon, after all - but it's also about the stigma that's still attached to it, especially for those who had a conservative religious upbringing. Some people might even think, "I can't believe she's putting this out there!"
I don't think she is right actually. I don't like hearing about bad things happening to people, but I think my brain perks up and I pay more attention. Like warning! danger! help! red lights flashing! rather than lah, lah, lah, everything pretty ok over here
I do think I get satisfaction from the raw honesty you have in exposing the rot and hypocrisy of white American Christianity (individuals and as a system) because I have the some of the same outrage and anger and betrayal. In this particular case, with your ex-husband, how gaslighty was his response? And you are not letting him get away with it, and he shouldn't. I crave a reckoning for the system as a whole! I count the mike pences of the world as more responsible for the travesty that was the trump administration than trump himself because they (evangelical christians) enabled a mentally unfit man to gain crazy amounts of power by betraying everything they claimed to value. They deserve a reckoning just as much as trump himself does. You expose hypocrisy and I am here for it.
I agree. Rubbernecking is a worldwide pastime. We are all ogling the tragedies of others in order to somehow manage the pitfalls in our own. I remember returning to my small town after leaving my now ex and finding so many wanting the gory details of my train wreck. What followed however was the cacophony of crickets. I became far more selective with whom I shared my story and left the onlookers baffled as to what really happened. Not everyone earns the highest level of disclosure.
I so relate to this - gory details and crickets and being my own gatekeeper. For me, it's my disability. It's made me think about the motivation behind the questions I ask others.
I think she’s partially right. My theory is that people like a good story, and adversity makes for dope stories. But, to the outside observer, this story always reads like a far more distant memory than it really is.
What a profound observation.
I think sometimes we are morbidly fascinated by suffering as long as we are not implicated in it—it’s easier to focus our attention on other people’s problems than to think about the ones we could do something about, whether in our own lives or in our society or the world. Anecdotally, I’ve noticed the response to that kind of suffering is willful ignorance. We save our attention (maybe it’s voyeurism) for problems that don’t belong to us because they demand nothing from us.
I was just thinking about this as I waited for your page to load. How I seem to click your substack links that promise to talk about the rough stuff.
I think I do tend to gravitate towards the painful… I also tend to write more about the painful than the life giving. Lol. It can make me feel like I’m 15 again with all the angst that comes with those teen years.
I think in part, humans want to hear the tea. We are nosey. I am nosey.
But I think it’s a community thing too. I feel validated when I hear women talk about being oppressed or survivors give their story about their spiritual/physical/sexual abuse. I want to support and cheer. I want to love and be loved on. To recognize and be recognized.
But mainly, I’m just nosey. Lol
Sometimes for me its educational. There are so many life experiences I'll never have but I want to hear from those who are so I can hopefully care/engage with them better. I do think some people, myself included are just nosy sometimes. As always thank you for sharing your gifts
I love this perspective. Thank you.
I think it's more likely people who relate and want to feel less alone.
I think so too.
Oof. I agree that some of that engagement is definitely that people do sometimes get voyeuristic about the suffering of other people, and I think some of that engagement comes from people who have experienced something similar.
Yes, it’s definitely not clear-cut.
I almost skipped reading today because it was about divorce, but I'm not fully sure yet why. Too close to my trauma history and voyeurism feel like they describe my top feelings best. I'm glad I read to see your honest question and am curious about how others feel.
Thanks for reading (and commenting). 💗
Thanks for your honesty and curiosity!
💗
I think a lot of people (myself included) might "like" it as a show of care and solidarity! A little bit like "clicking like is better than saying nothing at all." Posts get more engagement when emotions are activated, and this kind of post hits both sympathy and outrage buttons.
💗💗💗
I think mostly, it’s that people can feel that pain! Not because they like to relish other people’s pain, but that they can relate to pain, because they have pain of their own!
For sure.
There is some truth in that. I think it's partly about it being a relatable human story - divorce is not uncommon, after all - but it's also about the stigma that's still attached to it, especially for those who had a conservative religious upbringing. Some people might even think, "I can't believe she's putting this out there!"
Yes to all of this.
I think it's about relatability - it's something that touches a nerve with a lot of people.
Yeah, I think so too.
I don't think she is right actually. I don't like hearing about bad things happening to people, but I think my brain perks up and I pay more attention. Like warning! danger! help! red lights flashing! rather than lah, lah, lah, everything pretty ok over here
This makes sense. Thanks for sharing.
I do think I get satisfaction from the raw honesty you have in exposing the rot and hypocrisy of white American Christianity (individuals and as a system) because I have the some of the same outrage and anger and betrayal. In this particular case, with your ex-husband, how gaslighty was his response? And you are not letting him get away with it, and he shouldn't. I crave a reckoning for the system as a whole! I count the mike pences of the world as more responsible for the travesty that was the trump administration than trump himself because they (evangelical christians) enabled a mentally unfit man to gain crazy amounts of power by betraying everything they claimed to value. They deserve a reckoning just as much as trump himself does. You expose hypocrisy and I am here for it.
Thank you for saying this. I do think reckoning is very important, especially as a way to save others from present and future harm.
I agree. Rubbernecking is a worldwide pastime. We are all ogling the tragedies of others in order to somehow manage the pitfalls in our own. I remember returning to my small town after leaving my now ex and finding so many wanting the gory details of my train wreck. What followed however was the cacophony of crickets. I became far more selective with whom I shared my story and left the onlookers baffled as to what really happened. Not everyone earns the highest level of disclosure.
I so relate to this - gory details and crickets and being my own gatekeeper. For me, it's my disability. It's made me think about the motivation behind the questions I ask others.
Hugs. 💗
Thanks for sharing, friend. 💗 And you just taught me a new word. 🤓
I think she’s partially right. My theory is that people like a good story, and adversity makes for dope stories. But, to the outside observer, this story always reads like a far more distant memory than it really is.
I agree with your theory. You’re very wise.
I think you’re right. 💗